Where to start?

Hi,

I’m new to this. Not really sure where the start is. I do know that writing helps me and as I start out on a new stage of my journey in life – with loads of doubts, fears and uncertainty – I am desperate to keep hold of some tiny new found hope. So I thought doing this – something I never imagined I would do – would help.

5 years and 9 months ago my precious little boy, Elliot, died. He was just two and three quarters. I put him for his afternoon sleep and he just never woke up. He wasn’t ill, just the usual toddler runny nose. My world shattered into a million pieces in a matter of seconds. The ‘best guess’ from the inquest was that Elliot had died from a virus that attacked his brain as he slept. That it hit so suddenly he never had chance to let me know he wasn’t well. ‘Cruelty of nature’ the Coroner called it. Logically I may know that there was nothing I could have done to save him – but as his mum – logic doesn’t come into it really. I still feel responsible for not being with him, for letting him down when he needed me the most.

So maybe this is where my story starts? Not sure. I find I start writing and things just appear that I don’t always know are there.

When Elliot died there was no help there, no one to help us cope, make sense of anything, no one to help us guide how to help support Elliot’s brother and sister. No help until I hit crisis point.

For the past four years I’ve had support from two amazing professionals, Bob and Elaine – whom I owe my current existence to. They’ve listened, understood and guided me through the darkest of times. And now its down to me, their support has ended and although I feel I am ready – the doubts and uncertainty are there. Through their help I have managed to keep my job and keep working, help keep my family together and start a charity. A lot of my devastating struggles have been hidden away from those that know me. I have shared it with Bob and Elaine – it took a long long time but I did share the darkest of the darkness that was there.

It’s hard to feel that you are ready to progress on the next stage of your journey yourself but at the same time you are desperately fighting back tears and trying to tell yourself it will be ok – when you are not sure how much you believe that. Normally I would have put how i felt in writing to them and they were kind enough to respond, reason, reassure and offer their perspective. And now all that is down to me to do for myself.

So I’ve decided to do this. Write each day, see what comes out, map my journey. A journey of hope, a journey of navigating challenges, a journey of determination and mindfulness. Words that are easy to write to harder to put into practice.

Daft really as I know I am writing this just ‘to me’ as no one will be reading it. But I know I have come a long way in the past few years, not only after the desperate loss of Elliot but also from a past I had hid away for so long. So here my next steps of the journey begins.

I like taking photos of what is around me – just capturing what I see. So I thought I’d have ‘my photo of the day ‘- what represents how I feel in this given moment.

I love watching the waves. Feel like it captures life sometimes. You can cope when maybe one wave comes along, but when another comes and then another – sometimes its hard to keep your balance. But watching the waves crash is also mesmerising. Its nature – you watch the waves and accept that life is fragile and can be tough. I can sort of accept that bad things happen – it’s life – you can’t control it, life isn’t ‘fair’. Its harder to accept those bad things when at home or work though – surrounding by things you feel you can control, you can predict. You expect and even demand a fairness – but it doesn’t exist does it?

Anyway – that’s the start.

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