Bad day I guess. But as bad days go it did edge towards the ‘ok’ side of bad rather than the dark side of bad – so still steps forward. I do think that you ‘choose your attitude’ and that can reflect how you approach your day. That doesn’t mean that I set out to feel low or grumpy – just that I can let those things in that make that an easier approach to take.
I sensed how things were going early on. Early start to the day after a late night back from dropping Emily off at Uni for the second day running. She’d had to go back for a lecture and then come home for her Consultant appointment and then head back for another lecture today. True she could have got the train home, but she wouldn’t have got back until gone midnight and we didn’t know how the Consultant appointment would go so I didn’t just want to put her on a train if things didn’t go well.
I could tell she was stressed about the appointment and I tried to hard the fact that I was on my worry track of worst case scenario – not because I thought it would be bad – just that I wanted to be ready in case it was. I find it hard to just let things flow and see where it lands. In my thinking I tell myself, just let things be as they are and deal with them in the moment – but where the kids are concerned, I feel that is so hard to follow through on.
Fortunately it went well, the Consultant did mention the cancer word which made my heart stop – even when he said there was no sign and everything was fine. There is a next step which is fine and Emily was relaxed and happy with the results. But for some reason I just haven’t found that reduction in anxiety yet – don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I’m still trying to train my thoughts to take a step back, not worry, not overthink but I’m finding it hard to not have my sounding boards to help me keep perspective when emotions take over from the logical thinking patterns I am trying to ‘normalise’ for myself.
So a late night to bed and an early morning up as I had an important work presentation first thing. I took the dog out, looked up at the sky and saw darkness, it felt like the middle of the night. I spotted a star and focused on that as the start to my day. Felt a bit grumpy seeing so many dark windows and thinking that I should still be fast asleep in bed – felt a bit envious. Then I also thought that I have nothing to feel envious for, you never know what is going on in anyone’s life at any moment – who knows what emotions, experiences, challenges etc are behind each door. So I tried to talk myself round, not worry about the nagging anxiety which I partly put down to the work situation.
By the time I set off for work some blue sky with hints of pink from the rising sun was pushing through the clouds being gently moved across the sky by the wind. My mood lifted and I tried to think about what Bob would have said if he knew how I felt at that moment – they are just thoughts, one thought amongst many, just let them be there – don’t try to push them away – the more you push them away the stronger they will return. It worked for a while, work went ok but then I let an email from my son’s College and finding out he hadn’t attended today just overwhelm how I felt again. Oli is a classic teenager, an ace kid, has so much about him but sometimes he just needs a rocket inside him to shake him up to get going. I just worry about his future.
I need to learn to just take things as they come, don’t presume the worst, don’t think that the moment you think things are going to be ok – that something round the corner will come along and turn things upside down and inside out again. That way of thinking was always alien to me before Elliot died. I’d always been quite positive, don’t spend your life worrying about things you can’t control – you never know what is round the corner so just live for the moment. One the outside I can still come across as that – but inside is a totally different ball game.
Losing Elliot just means that my world doesn’t feel safe anymore. When you’ve lost once, you feel it can happen again and although I would never be able to prepare or handle it – I feel always being on the watch for bad things to happen somehow makes me more secure – sounds stupid I know. I wish I could just turn my thoughts down a bit.
I left work early and in the light, again trying to see the sky and its pale blue hints between the clouds as a guide to how I can let the positive as well as negative thoughts sit side by side. Now, its windy, cloudy and pitch black as I am about to set off to pick Oli up from his friends. My mood feels it reflects the outside – but maybe I can spot a star or a peek of the moon.
Who knows what the skyline will bring tomorrow. New day, new dawn?
I bent down to put the lamp on tonight and caught a smell of the scented flowers next to me – I love flowers – they make me smile and despite today’s emotions – there is always space to fit in a smile.