I’ve loved today. Waking up is hard sometimes. I used to wake up and for a split second imagine that my life was how it was before Elliot died. That it would just be a normal busy family day and I’d imagine he was asleep in his bed in the next room. The realisation that your life wasn’t that anymore just hit you so hard each day you opened your eyes. Despite all your hopes of everything being a bad dream, that you were existing in some parallel Universe and soon it would all melt away and you would have your life back – the slow reality dawned which meant facing another day was a challenge from the start.
Those days of starting the day with a sense of hopelessness and dread are less now. I think the drip drip of reality that this is my life, Elliot isn’t asleep in the next room – it’s hit home and I have to work through it somehow. That does mean though that the heaviness of a new day isn’t the same and some days I can start with a brightness that I am still here, I have a lot going on and still have so much in my life.
I guess that is what part of today has been about. First few moments awake felt hard, a stillness that I just wanted to be filled with children led chaos and noise. But then I remembered I was meeting up with my friend to go for a walk and suddenly I felt excited and looking forward to the day. There are some people that when you are around them they just lighten your day, you talk about anything and everything, feel low if you want, laugh if you want and basically just be yourself. You always feel happier for seeing them. I’m lucky that I have such a friend.
So it was a lovely day of just walking, being out on a winters day a greyness with a hint of mist in the distance. It was very muddy and a bit cold but it felt just right. Being out in the fields, through the trees and just watching the stillness around was brilliant. There are no expectations, no demands – just a take the pace as you need and have time to enjoy what is around you. Even just watching the sheep in the field and watching some of them stare back at me – was great. So many moments to just be without a whole host of thoughts and worries going round your mind. I think that is one of the powerful things of going out walking – the mood you start off with has invariably changed by the end of the walk.
We stopped for lunch in a pub with a log burning fire – I love just staring into the fire, apart from its warmth it just fascinates me, the movement, noises and the intensity of it all.
Then we stopped on a bridge and just watched the water below. I hadn’t thought of it before, but like my friend said, the water is always the same – throughout the years, it keeps doing what it does. The water trickles down from the hills and mountains into the lakes and rivers and just keeps moving. Whatever the complexities of the world around us, the every changing nature of our world – for thousands of years and for thousands to come – the water keeps moving just as it always does. Sure there are environmental issues that will impact it and natural disasters play their part in changing our landscape. But right there and then today, the water we were watching would have followed it’s same pattern for thousands and thousands of years.
I’m back home from the walk now and maybe family life with through up more challenges and complexities – but for golden moments today I just loved the simplicity of everything around me.