Not sure what I am to myself – moments in recent days when I think I’m starting to get the hang of this looking after yourself and not getting wrapped up in your own negative thoughts. I was early this morning taking the dog for a walk and I realised all I could hear was the birds in the trees. It was still dark, moon and stars in the sky but the day had already begun. As I walked I could hear the birds so clearly – and that’s when it struck me – I didn’t have all the other usual ‘noises’ in my mind – questioning how I was feeling, how would I deal with the day, did I really handle the recent situations ok or have I got it all wrong. Can I keep hold of how I feel?? So many questions are normally floating around.
But today – despite a bad weekend – there was nothing else there except for the noise of the birds, I loved it and it made me smile. Ok – I can face the day I thought. I had started to struggle over the weekend and could just feel things sliding backwards. It felt like so much pressure building up inside, no matter how much I tried to put a positive outlook on everything – you just start doubting everything about yourself. That leads to frustration and fears creeping in and then a worry that without Bob and Elaine perspectives to bring things back in balance – that I’ll just end up back in that negative spiral again.
I guess it’s easy to talk yourself into something that has been familiar for so long – it’s harder to have hope and keep faith in the new path I ‘m trying to carve. The weekend was full of doubts, anger, fear and feelings of frustration – not all at myself mind you. I guess where a few others are concerned I’m starting to think and respond to their frustrations and opinions on their life differently – I can see how they feel but their feelings don’t have to be my responsibility in the same way as before. I don’t have to take on their frustrations and try and resolve all their tantrums and worry about how they feel as though I have to resolve it all. They need to own it themselves. I’m talking about close to home relationships which made the weekend a challenging one.
I guess my overriding worry is that I will start to relax, feel it is ok to actually feel ok for myself – and that I don’t have to have one eye on how everyone else is and take responsibility for it – but the moment I do that – something bad will happen, just like with Elliot – I’ll start to think I can handle and cope with life – live with the loss of my little boy – take a breath and not have to fear everything – but the moment I do that – take the risk – it will all crash around me again. Bob said that this is superstitious – he could understand why I felt like that – but it was superstitious all the same – I understand that – but I’m still scared to me my own best friend just in case – it feels safer to be an enemy within and then somehow I will be able to stop anything bad happening again.
I guess it helps writing it as it be aware of it is one step to dealing with it and I know I am slowly slowly learning to relax a tiny bit. I guess I just need the gentle nudges in the right direction. One of these nudges I used today is my new screensaver photo on my phone.
It was a walk I did over New Year with the family and a great friend. I loved it, placed called Cragside in Northumbria. I felt positive, empowered and some confidence in myself for a while. So I used this photo as a reminder of how I felt on that day and why – to remind myself that what I need is inside me and I can feel those positive emotions. It gave me time to take a breath and refocus.
Here’s to starting again.