Not sure what I am to myself - moments in recent days when I think I'm starting to get the hang of this looking after yourself and not getting wrapped up in your own negative thoughts. I was early this morning taking the dog for a walk and I realised all I could hear was … Continue reading Best friend or worst enemy?
I hate being given a label - put in a box. I guess I am replacing one label 'depressed' for another 'grieving' - but grieving for me, relates to something actual that happened that in turn has caused a whole range of devastating emotions and feelings. That doesn't mean that things that happen don't cause … Continue reading I’m not depressed, I’m grieving
I've loved today. Waking up is hard sometimes. I used to wake up and for a split second imagine that my life was how it was before Elliot died. That it would just be a normal busy family day and I'd imagine he was asleep in his bed in the next room. The realisation that … Continue reading The simplicity of life
It just happened. I knew parts of today had been a battle - my determination to keep the hope inside going was still pushing through the thoughts that were challenging whether I could make this work - whatever 'this' is. I did my first marathon in 2015, I'd signed up to do one in the … Continue reading Tears in the traffic
I had a day of meetings at work today. It wasn't a good start to the day, bad evening and night before. It is like you are on a treadmill sometimes - a treadmill of thoughts. Things just keep going on and on in your mind and all you want to do is press a … Continue reading Sunshine and trees
It's been a day of talking about loss. Not intentionally. I haven't been doing any charity training or meetings - it's been random conversations with others where they have talked about their grief as part of a 'normal' conversation. That doesn't happen very often but what struck me was the apologetic nature of their opening … Continue reading Grief isn’t a competition
Bad day I guess. But as bad days go it did edge towards the 'ok' side of bad rather than the dark side of bad - so still steps forward. I do think that you 'choose your attitude' and that can reflect how you approach your day. That doesn't mean that I set out to … Continue reading Letting the sky reflect the mood
So doing things differently can get confusing! I'm a black coffee person - five cups a day maybe. It keeps me awake, helps me juggle the many things going on in any one day and I guess having a mug of coffee in my hands is a bit like a security blanket for me - … Continue reading Green Tea, Coffee or Hot Chocolate?
I took my daughter back to Uni today. I've never been very good at the separation stuff, even more so after losing Elliot. I find it hard, I worry, I miss her but I am also incredibly proud of her. Emily was the one who went to wake Elliot up from his sleep, she found … Continue reading Pancakes and Pride
I'm not thinking of a warm Barbados beach, New York or a mountain retreat. Right now I'm thinking - here at home as I am, sorting the out of date food in the depth of the freezer or would I rather be stood on a cold, rainy football touchline watching a game. It hurts. I … Continue reading Where would I rather be?